Finding the right words
Definitions for the global warming fanatics who can’t tolerate disagreement with their views
|By LORRIE GOLDSTEIN, TORONTO SUN||
Despite repeated appeals to reason, decency and common sense, global warming fanatics continue to disparagingly refer to people who disagree with them as “global warming deniers” or as part of the “global warming denial industry.”
Their absurd, disgusting and juvenile attempts to suggest anyone who doesn’t bow down before their half-baked ideas, self-righteous prattle and mindless propaganda is comparable to a Holocaust denier, have gone on unchallenged for too long.
Enough is enough. It’s time those of us who do not believe New York is going to be wiped out by a 20-foot rise in sea levels caused by global warming either next Tuesday, or 50 years, or 1,000 years from now — they’ll get back to us on that — struck back with some mocking terminology of our own.
Ready? Here we go.
Feel free to borrow as many as you like and come up with your own. Fun for the whole family!
STEPHANE DION DISEASE
Definition: A medical condition in which you can’t decide whether to pull Canadian soldiers out of Afghanistan by February 2009, but are confident you can predict the climate of the planet 100 years from now, based on computer models.
JACK LAYTON SYNDROME
Definition: Obsessive concern about the negative impacts of global warming on Taliban prisoners captured by Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan.
GILLES DUCEPPE DISORDER
Definition: The belief that global warming will stop when Quebec separates from Canada.
ELIZABETH MAY FEVER
Definition: A chronic condition in which the subject spends large amounts of time and energy explaining that the last time she said something really dumb and incendiary about global warming, or anything else, it wasn’t actually as dumb and incendiary as it sounded. Either that, or it was all Stephen Harper’s fault. Take your pick.
Definition: The mental state of anyone who piously lectures everyone else about reducing the size of their carbon footprint on the Earth, while personally living a luxurious, high-consumption, high-flying lifestyle that they condemn for anyone but themselves. Also known as “celebrityitis” and “Hollywooditis”.
Definition: The belief that everyone is entitled to their own opinion about global warming … as long as it agrees with yours and that if not, they should be jailed.
WEATHER CHANNEL PSYCHOSIS
Definition: Anyone who simultaneously holds the beliefs that last year’s mild winter and this year’s harsh one are both evidence of global warming. Possible symptoms include having your head explode because of all the BS you’ve jammed into your brain. More generally speaking, a term used to describe any self-proclaimed expert on global warming who doesn’t understand the difference between “weather” and “climate.”
KYOTO ACCORD SYNDROME
Definition: Delusional belief that the same political geniuses who keep promising to “fix” medical wait times can “fix” the climate.
SCHOOL BOARD SICKNESS
Definition: The belief that global warming can be solved by opening up a black-focused school in Toronto, which, come to think of it, seems to be the Toronto District School Board’s “solution” for solving pretty much every crisis it faces these days.
GREEN RIGHTS FEVER
Definition: A relatively new disease among Canadian human rights commissions, causing them to believe any journalist who writes about global warming is likely to expose minority groups to hatred or contempt. They just haven’t figured out how … Yet.
MEDIA MADNESS DISEASE
Definition: An affliction common among journalists who pontificate ad nauseam about what Canada’s policy on global warming should be, without ever having read a book on climate change or even knowing the difference between the Earth’s natural greenhouse effect and man-made greenhouse gas emissions. Possible cures include reading a Grade 8 science textbook.
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