Minutes count when saving Earth


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Show the world you still have a working brain. On March the 29th

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Lorrie Goldstein

Thu, March 27, 2008
 
Minutes count when saving Earth
By LORRIE GOLDSTEIN

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This Saturday, March 29, starting at 8 p.m., 24 “global cities,” including Toronto, will be participating in “Earth Hour.” The aim is to encourage people to turn their lights off for an hour to promote awareness of man-made global warming.HERE IS MY ITINERARY:

8:00 p.m. — Turn off lights before leaving house — naked — mindful of George Monbiot’s warning in Heat: How to Stop the Planet From Burning, that the campaign against global warming is a campaign in favour of austerity. In this light, I have decided to give up clothes, the manufacture of which is a major source of greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions.

8:01 p.m. — Hug tree.

8:02 p.m. — Lecture next-door neighbour about his stupid idea of holding community barbecue to celebrate Earth Hour, noting burning charcoal, propane and natural gas to heat barbecues emits GHG. Angrily ask neighbour why he is cooking chicken and hamburger, given that meat production is a major source of GHG. Demand neighbour serve chicken and hamburger to guests raw, noting food poisoning is a small price to pay for preventing cataclysmic climate change and making the world safe for Al Gore.

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8:05 p.m. — Run screaming from climate denier neighbour chasing me with spatula yelling “you !@$%$#$ idiot, get off my property!!!!”

8:10 p.m. — Hastily enter car, using keys strategically hidden for this purpose in hair. Drive to Hwy. 401 entrance ramp, refusing to turn on headlights in tribute to Earth Hour, ignoring frantic warnings by climate denier fellow motorists that my headlights are off.

8:15 p.m. — Travelling at 100 clicks per hour in centre lane of Hwy. 401, with no headlights, turn engine off in order to coast to stop, making important symbolic statement about car travel being a major contributor to global warming.

8:20 p.m. — Drive quickly away from 35-vehicle crash immediately behind me, caused by climate denier motorists foolishly driving on highway at speed limit with headlights on, attempting to avoid my stopped vehicle in centre lane with headlights off.

8:25 p.m. — Contact David Suzuki Foundation by cell phone, challenging them “to put a lot of effort into trying to see whether there’s a legal way of throwing into jail” so-called environmentalists who self-righteously lecture everyone else about reducing their carbon footprint, while having fathered five children in two marriages, perhaps because they missed the Environment 101 class in university about Zero Population Growth.

8:30 p.m. — Contact Nanticoke coal-fired electricity-generating station by cell phone, pretending to be Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty, demanding to know why GHG and pollution-spewing plant hasn’t been shut down as I promised voters in 2003. Challenged by switchboard operator to provide proof I really am Dalton McGuinty, I promise not to raise her taxes.

8:35 p.m. — Attempt to evade capture by climate denier Ontario Provincial Police officers chasing me down highway in cruisers, after climate denier Nanticoke switchboard operator contacts them complaining about some lunatic pretending to be the premier of Ontario.

8:40 p.m. — Place call to family from holding cell at OPP headquarters, asking them to come down and bail me out on numerous charges. Also ask them to bring clothes.

8:50 p.m. — Lecture climate denier OPP sergeant while leaving station that he should replace incandescent light bulbs in holding cell with fluorescent lighting to save planet.

9:00 p.m. — Return home. Take prescribed sedative. Go to bed.

Toronto Sun

Show the world you still have a working brain. On March the 29th

FLICK ON

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